jetsetgreen

Thursday, February 10, 2011

I've Behaved Badly

I am sorry that I made fun of my cousin’s name (not to her face) vociferously by asking what my aunt was thinking lo those many years ago. My father pursed his lips in vague disapproval, but my mother suppressed a laugh that suggested she's been holding it inside for twenty years.

On the other hand, I did not tell my mother that her roast would be better suited to re-soling my work boots (a slice of roast should be not harder than the table upon which it was served, nor hold its gravy like cream cheese on melba toast.) No need to repent for something you did not say (I think.)

I apologize to my children, but not really, because after spending a day where one would antagonize the other until he screamed his high-pitched scream every five minutes, they do not deserve an apology.

In fact, I am still owed an apology since they so rudely interrupted the sacred Sunday nap on a constant basis; being in a semi-dream like state, I couldn’t actually arise and lock the door. Things did not go well. I resented them for hours.

I may have completely ignored them when they cried. I am not apologizing for that. Moms only have so many screams per day that can be responded to before ignoring the rest.

I do apologize that I made other people handle my children because I was ignoring them.

I am sorry that I sat on the couch Tweeting instead of sitting down to dinner when everyone else was (but brownie points for not telling my mom that I wasn’t TEXTING, I was TWEETING, and they are different.) I needed to be alone for a few minutes before sitting down with a whole bunch of people that might say something kind and innocent that, in fact, is the most annoying thing I have ever heard in my entire life.

Perhaps I shocked my mother by not borrowing a coat for my eldest when he rode home in the dark. I am sorry that she felt bad for my child. I am not sorry that my child was cold because he deliberately decided he wasn’t going to wear a coat. It’s a lesson you learn when you live someplace with Winter. However, asking him out of my car window if he felt cold now was probably unnecessary salt on the wound.

I tender sincere apologies to the church ladies, who greeted me happily at the Sunday night meeting, to which I responded without making eye contact and a curt response. That was rude. In my defense, I wanted to be watching the Super Bowl, which is not really a defense nor in any way excusable, and I feel badly about that. I feel like I should apologize for going to the restroom; you started the meeting while I was using the facilities and I therefore missed conducting the music--one of the only reasons I was supposed to be in attendance. My bladder is penitent; the baby remains defiant.

I was, in general, a miserable person to be around that day, and terribly mean. I am sorry.

24 comments:

"Lucky" said...

Good for you. It takes a strong person to admit fault. Your biceps are heeuugge! ;)

Loralee Choate said...

Favorite line ever?

"My bladder is penitent; the baby remains defiant."

Snort!

P.S. Have I mentioned I think you're rad? Yeah. That. ;P

lunablue said...

I love this. As I read it I got this vague impression that I was experiencing PMS again. I may have looked up from reading it to be overly stern to the girl I nanny. Also, my fear of making babies, which can come and go any number of times in a 24 hour period, came.

Vern said...

Apology or not, I like a girl who uses "vociferously" in a sentence.

C. Jane said...

Sorry you couldn't watch the game. Just filling you in: The Packers won.


I got your back.

La Yen said...

I still cannot believe how incredibly HORRID I was during the pregnancy. I just couldn't stop it. It was like a runaway train of bitch.

But I am sure you were just having an off day. Right, Princess Sparkle Pants?

Amy said...

Sometimes when I'm behaving badly, I watch how I'm acting and I hate it, but I can't stop being lame.

Azúcar said...

It was an off day, La Yen, swearsies. I've been much happier and less angry with this baby.

dmarie said...

you have a permanent excuse...you are PREGNANT!! hormones raging strike fear in the hearts of most...and it sounds like you were pretty tame (in my terms, anyway). but you are an angel for apologizing.

Natasha said...

I can relate to this post. I was reading this thinking this is exactly what I would be thinking or acting on one of my off days. It is actually very funny though!

Emily said...

I'm thinking you need to grab @PrincessSparklePants before the Twitter ID is gone. You can use it on those days you aren't behaving badly. ;)

Barb @ getupandplay said...

We all have those days. You are at least big enough to say you're sorry AND find the humor. (I just hide in my room and cry because I was mean). xoxo

TheFeministBreeder said...

"My bladder is penitent; the baby remains defiant."

Somewhere in the future there awaits a Pulitzer with your name written all over it. :)

And yes, I have my "You-Have-Screamed-One-Too-Many-Times-Today" limit with the children. The first fifty times I hear them trying to kill each other, I intervene. After that? You're freaking on your own. It's really the preschooler equivalent of crying wolf.

vanessa said...

I think you are doing a good job if you are not having to write apology notes every day. I on the other hand should not be allowed to talk to anyone.

Laquina said...

Yeah, I heard.

bellambinos said...

Love it, thanks.

sara said...

I love this post.

raisingmarshmallows said...

Very entertaining post!

Nikki

Shannon said...

Haha. You go by Love & Logic too . . . the coat thing cracks me up. I do that too & I'm sure my mother wants to send me off to child services.

I tell her its their decision. How will they learn?

THey will learn by freezing their bottoms off, that's how.

:) Gosh, you've got me thinking I have some things to apologize for . . .

xo, Shannon in Boise

Kalli Ko said...

I am still nasty and mean and my baby has been out for 5 months, I'm starting to think it's just my personality.

Jonnalyhn Wolfcat Hall said...

*chuckle* I love the line "My bladder is penitent; the baby remains defiant" as I too am living this right now.

59 days and counting IF she comes on time, and I can hardly wait.

Amy Jones said...

Why is it that I never thought of apologizing for my (many) episodes of bad behavior during my last pregnancy? Perhaps I've come to terms with the fact that nasty and/or offensive happens to be my personality.

Plus, (and pardon me if I "woohoo" a little over this) I managed to drive away most of my in-laws while conveniently passing blame on to a hormone-inducing fetus. Genius.

Pam Baumeister said...

I've been there so many times during my pregnancies (and even when I'm not pregnant). I never apologized. You're growing a human and that's almost too much work to do AND be nice. Right? Loved this post.

Alice Wills Gold said...

Oh my gosh this cracked my up. It reminded me of the time that I stuck my foot in my mouth when making fun of the name Penelope to the new parents who really named their kid Penelope but I thought they were kidding.

I'm sorry sometimes works and sometimes it won't.