Monday, May 16, 2011


Here's the problem with being pregnant:

Sometimes your baby knocks on you, the external layer of her apartment, and says, "I want some Chef Boyardee Ravioli."
And you say back, "That is ludicrous, why on earth would we eat that?"
"But I want it."
"But think of those big, soft, mealy ravioli in that barely savory sauce."
"It's awful for us, no!"
"Remember how you make it? Just open a can, pour it in a pot, and heat over medium heat?"
"Ridiculous. It's Sunday night, we don't have any in the house, so this is a moot point."
"But isn't this the definition of an ox in the mire?"
"No, as a matter of fact, it is not. You want to eat a crappy can of processed food; it's no ox."
"But it wants it!"
"We have to think of what this craving is really saying. What nutrient do you need that you're not getting?"
"Sure. Nutrient. Because I need some enriched wheat flour, high fructose corn syrup, textured vegetable protein, and crackermeal!"
"No, think harder. What is it that you really want? Can you fix this with tuna or an apple?"
"But I don't want to cook."
"I'm going to go look in the pantry again. Maybe something will have magically appeared."
"It's 10pm at night."
"It's 11pm at night."
"It's midnight."
"It's quarter to one! You need to shut up!"
"FINE, I'll make tomato soup."
 "Thank you. Is it done yet? Is it? Is it?"
"You're going to be a jerk and give me heartburn after we eat this, aren't you?"


soybeanlover said...

...or in a pinch you can gargle with ketchup.

AzĂșcar said...

Oh, I asked, and ketchup was not an acceptable substitute. Stupid baby.

Marianne & Clayton said...

Your baby is so gross, unlike mine that occasionally has us eating cup'o'noodles.

Donna said...

i had two cravings, and they were both brought on by tv commercials...tootsie pop (orange) and jolly rancher (watermelon). in both cases i made my husband go to the store. in both cases i ate one and that was it. hubby got to eat the rest of the bag of each.

Tzipporah said...

Babies are such assholes sometimes. Oh, wait, maybe I'm not supposed to say that out loud... ;)

Sell...Party Of 4 said...

Holy cow you had me laughing...thanks.

Jan S said...

Carina- You make me laugh like no other! I've never been pregnant, but I have heard of weird cravings. However, yours is in the top 10 of most funny...mostly thanks to your list of ingredients. Hysterical! I already get heartburn, so I can't imagine what a can o'crap would do to me! Naughty baby...

Monica said...

I appreciate that you described the ravioli as "mealy" instead of "meaty". Subliminal typo? I craved root beer barrel candies and banana popsicles (yuck!) for days, ate one and was fixed. Silly babies.

AzĂșcar said...

It was deliberate, Monica. 'Cause isn't it mealy?

Banana popscicles? My deepest sympathies...

Sarah said...

Mine was Ramen... shameful, I know.

Eliza said...

My first baby wanted Spaghetti-O's, the second wanted Chef Boyardee Ravioli, and the third wanted Top Ramen. I gave in to all of them. Never before or since in my adult life do/did I eat that junk (although I sure loved all of it as a kid) but it tasted great in the throes of pregnancy, especially the sickly first trimester. Did I regret it afterward? Usually.