Friday, May 27, 2011

One or Two?

I drove to the store tonight to grab some farfalle, as you do. I ran into a neighbor who tried to make small talk. “Are the boys at home?”
“Yes! Just grabbing a few last minute things for dinner.”
“ there just the one baby in there?”

Look. I know I’m very, terribly, awfully pregnant, but do we REALLY NEED to point it out? I nearly spit out the words, “Did you just say that to me?” Instead I said in a cheery, clipped voice, “Yup!” and then walked away as fast as my waddling self would take me.

I picked up one more thing and went to the registers where the cashier said,

“Do you have one baby in there or two?”

and I said,

“The next person that asks me that I will literally reach over and slap their face. There is one baby. I have anywhere from a couple weeks to maybe even a month to go.”

To her credit she tried to recover.
“Is it a girl or a boy?”
“So do you have a name?”
I grabbed the receipt and walked as quickly back to the car as I could.

How am I feeling? I feel tired. There’s your answer. I answer that question all day.

I felt so tired this morning that I could barely move. I have to perform a cost-benefit analysis when I look at the crap strewn on my floor. Is it truly worth it to pick up that sock? I have to go down on all fours to clean the floor and face the very real possibility that I won’t be able to get back up again.

I stare down over my belly at the green straw, the unidentifiable plastic wrapper, the school work, and think hard. I think about the one baby in my belly. The last baby in my belly. The one that’s held six babies; three tighter than the others. The humans that grew there are the only people in the world for whom the casual asking for butterfly pasta for supper would send you to the store at dinner time, to run into people who ask you things without thinking and raise your blood pressure to Everest.

And I figure out the contortion to let me pick up the sock.


Jill said...

Speaking before thinking seems to be a serious issue for people these days.

Do they really not understand that by asking how many kids you're carrying, they're really saying, "boy you are one fat chick".

I too was a carried 6, had 3 kids mom ... and was so happy to finally birth my last. 2 years ago.

And if one more person asks me if I'm going to have another, they better duck ... because I will punch them!

Laura: The Sushi Snob said...

And when people keep asking us, "So, when are you going to have kids?"

Never mind that I would love to be pregnant right now, but God seems to have other plans.

Candybottomgirl said...

The odd thing is that so many of the questions come from women who too carried children. You have to wonder if they have honestly forgotten the moment they no longer could see their feet, feel their feet or vag for that matter. And, also, how they felt when at 6 months along someone asked if that baby was coming any day.

Your pregnant waddle tops the list of fabulous waddlers though. It is one of the sweetest parts of the baby carrying I think. A reminder of how completely insane the whole concept of creation inside a body really is and how it transforms you. Insane, and awesome!

Barb @ getupandplay said...

People are so dumb sometimes! Seriously. Would you like some commiseration? I am the co-chair of my 10 year high school reunion this August and I will be 9 months pregnant. It is not going to be pretty.

Celeste said...

Hey Az,
looks like Barb @ getupandplay has you beat.

now get that farfelle boiling and get over your pregnant self.

(wanna reach over the i-net and slap me too?
don't blame you!!)


Mojo said...

I got that a lot with my first and it drove me crazy. I wanted be like, "Look when a 5'2" girl gets pregnant and gains 50lbs. she looks like a butterball! So back offffff!"

I soooo understand.

Jenny said...

I am so sorry you have to deal with the public and neighbors for who knows how long. I actually started going home from church after sacrament meeting because I couldn't handle all the fat comments or the confused looks when I was snappy or profane or burst into tears after their stupid comments.

Maybe we should blame the movies and tv always showing people with second trimester sized bumps going into labor.

Heather M said...


Idiot: "Is there one baby in there, or two?"

Carina: "Are you kidding? There are NINE! Yes, nine. Screw octo-mom, I'm going for nine. My plan is to carry them to term and deliver them naturally. Guiness world records will be recording the event!"

Then you are certain to get compliments on how good you are looking.

Laquina said...

Oooooh.... Burn. All I can say is that your neighborhood has really gone down hill.

Delirious said...

You should feel glad. I'm almost 50 years old, and not even close to being pregnant. But because I carry my weight in my mid-section, people ask me all the time if I"m pregnant. I feel like shouting, "HELLO! Do you not see all of my gray hair??!!!" and then I want to scream even louder, "DON'T YOU KNOW YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO ASK PEOPLE THAT??!!!"

rant over..

Marianne & Clayton said...

I got asked that from the cashier at the Motherhood store. The effing maternity store where the only clientele is preggo women in differing stages of huge. Isn't it in their training manual or something? Next time I may just say really offended, "But I'm not pregnant!"

Annette Lyon said...

And in a a few months, you'll get the reproductive curiosity questions. "So, are you done?" "Are you having any more?" "Why?"

I give you permission to slap them. :D (I never had the guts.)

Hilary said...

I once had my RS president see me at Walmart when I had my first and she said "I knew it was you when I saw how big you are."
But seirously, everyone is pregnant in different ways. REvel in it. :D

Kelly said...

People who ask those kind of questions are unfeeling types that I would rather not associate with.

And did you know you can learn to pick up socks with your feet? Worked wonders for me on my final pregnancy. Good luck to you and take care.

Michelle said...

I had someone talk incessantly for almost an hour {at someone else's baby shower mind you} to me about the fact that I looked like I was having triplets. Nothing like being totally stuck somewhere. Great, thank you, now STFU and let's concentrate on the mom who is actually being showered please.

A Few Tacos Shy... said...

Sigh. Stupid people and their stupid mouths. Being pregnant is hard enough without also having people comment on your size. You are MAKING a human being for crying out loud! What did they do today?

Kim said...

I get that every single time. I am so sorry. People are stupid and don't think. Why not just say, "Wow, you look amazing!" Or, "Pregnancy really looks good on you". Or something nice like that? What is it about seeing a pregnant woman that gives others the license to remove the brain to mouth filter and say whatever comes to mind? Argh.

Heidi said...

I completely understand your fury at that question. People are morons. MORONS.

Anne-Marie said...

I would just bounce it right back to them and ask "So, when are YOU due?" and waddle off. You're in the home stretch! That seemed to go by fast! Well, for me at least. Do you want to slap me through the screen?

Caroline said...

I hope your neighbor reads your blog. Maybe you could just print out the comments and mail it to her. You know, because it's totally petty and worth doing. SHAME HER GOOD.

Emily said...

Seriously?!?! I'd have given her "the look" (aptly named by my children) and replied with, "Did you seriously just ask me that?" Okay, maybe I only wish I were brave enough to say that to the first lady, but by lade #2? Game on. (For what it's worth, I think you look fabulously, adorably pregnant with ONE.)

Mrs. Organic said...

You look beautiful!

Amy said...

Yes to the whole thing. And what's with the "you are about to pop" thing I keep getting? Do they not know how babies come out?

Carrot Jello said...

I'm with "Heather".

The worst is being asked when you're due when the baby is sitting next to you in a car seat :S

wendysue said...

Overdue and Overbig with my 2nd, I was refusing to go to church. My Mom (that had been in town for 2 weeks waiting for this baby to arrive) had offered to make me a "sandwich sign" to wear that said. "No. Big." (as in "you haven't had that baby yet?" and "how are you feeling??")

marshall p said...

I love you.

Mary said...

I totally feel your pain, I was asked the twin question so often I had to bite my tongue so that I didn't reply with, "I hate you.".

I don't understand why anyone would think that was an appropriate question.