Friday, June 17, 2011

This Baby is Fired

Remember how last week I was all, “Ooh, it hurts to move.”

HAHAHAHA that girl was full of crap, because it hurts way more now.

Every time I stand up I swear bad swears in my head. “Great Cesar’s Ghost!” I say, only not that. I do not know who is sneaking into my house and beating my lower back with a 4” pipe, and why on earth I am not noticing during the commission, but it needs to stop. Walking is the worst joke. So is sitting. My own body is violating the Geneva Convention.

If you’ve had a baby you know the last couple weeks are physical torture. I don’t know why it’s such a surprise. You know that your insides will be squashed and pummeled. You know that your bladder will experience sudden, crushing pain. You know that staying in one position for more than 15 minutes will cause brutal debilitation and shocking torment. Yet, we still have babies, plural.

People ask how you are and you’ll smile and say, “Tired,” when the truth is that you’re in physical agony. Mostly you want people to stop asking how you are, or if you are excited about the baby, or what the baby’s name is.
How about we go with Emmie’s advice and say one of only three things:
1. You look fantastic.
2. Would you like to sit down?
3. Have a cookie.

Not on the list:
“You must be so done!”
“Hurts just looking at you!”
“Have you had that baby yet?”
“No, you cannot have Thai food.”

(Yes, I can, and it had better have at least 3 stars or you’re all fired.)

Bottoms up, all!

p.s. Thanks for all your suggestions and ideas. I got a glider. It is not hideous as most are, we didn't pay full price, and I don't need to recover it right away.


Michelle said...

I had a pre-natal massage last week (from an actual massage therapist that knows WTF she is doing) and I got up from the table and could not believe how great I felt! It made me want to kick myself in the ass for not having one before.

See if you can get in somewhere! And hang in there, almost done!

heather of the eo said...'re probably mad at me for having mine early, huh? :)

UGH. I KNOW. It's just HARD. So hard. And I think you should have spicy Thai food and cookies all day and every day until that kid comes out.

Kalli said...

Soft serve, pebble ice.

Don't move.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. I feel your pain...and I'm only 32 weeks. I'm hot, swollen, can't sleep and feel like someone's stepping on my bladder every time I stand up. Sigh. This is Susie by the way. I keep checking our blog to see if you've had the baby. I hope you have that baby soon, very soon. Tonight even.

Zannah said...

I have to ask... so I just moved into a new ward and met a pregnant woman in RS who said she was a couple days overdue. I said that I would have guessed she was seven months along, if that. Is that an acceptable variant of "you look fantastic" or do I need to make up for going too far off the list?

(Also, *you* look fantastic!)

Delirious said...

The hardest part for me that last few weeks was sleeping. My hips hurt every night! I feel for you.

Aim said...

I totally understand, it's how you feel is why I wasn't going to have another baby. I was going to be done at 4 but we got a surprise and I'm 22 weeks with #5. I am really not looking forward to the last month it is the worst! Good luck! I hope your baby is born soon! I also hope that after your baby is born you feel better than you have the last 9 months.

Azúcar said...

Zannah, I think that's probably acceptable. Anyone want to say otherwise?

Tamsin said...

Being 16 months from my last baby, I am more interested in the Thai food. Where do you get yours?

Kim said...

A lady in my ward told me that we are not pregnant for 9 months, but 8 months and a year. It is SO true.
Elliott is 7 weeks old so it is all still VERY fresh in my mind and I AM SO SORRY.
I had someone tell me the other day that I am more pregnant at the end than anyone else she has ever known. Like so big I should have been having twins.
Um, thanks.
No tact, no tact at all.

Do you want a cookie? Do you want to go swimming and get the weight off your belly?

Oh, and you look beautiful.

Emmie said...

I only made it to 37 weeks, and when Viv was 4 weeks old, I remember thinking: "I could STILL BE PREGNANT right now." Did you ever know that you're my hero?

Yes to pregnancy massage. And pebble ice. And soft serve and Thai food. And not moving. Sending you love and hoping your baby decides to make her exit pronto.

Momoko Photography said...

Oh man, that's my December.

Amy said...

I live in Florida. We just stay in the water the last few months. That's pretty much it.

dmarie said...

that glider is nice! mine isn't too bad, is black textured metal with a camel colored cushion, so it also goes with our family room stuff. my little bird and i still sit there to read together, and she's nine now. :) during the first baby cold, that thing was a Godsend. i could hold baby over my shoulder so she could breathe, put my feet up, and recline a little so i could sleep just a bit. ahhhh...

dmarie said...

oh...and you look fantastic, and if i lived closer, i'd bring you cookies. and soft serve. and pebble ice. and thai food. :)
here in AZ, they say to load up on the spicy, cuz it makes the baby come earlier...

Amy said...

Yes yes yes. I have a 5-day old baby, and I feel AWESOME compared to how I felt 7 days ago. Actually, compared to the last month, I felt fabulous about 10 hours after delivery. So you've got that to look forward to.

I think all social interactions become painful and awkward the whole last month. Especially that time 2 weeks ago (38 weeks prego) when it was hot so I was sitting in our backyard in a half-filled plastic kiddie pool, in an ill-fitting maternity swimsuit, awkwardly huge, and our (older, socially awkward, single) home teacher came to the backyard, unannounced, to pick something up that he'd left there.

Tzipporah said...

My favorite was, oh, it's not enough to sleep with a baby resting on my hips all night, now I get a CAT, TOO?? She thought I was a very comfy pillow.

Also, the glider looks NICE. Don't recover it until the baby stops leaking.

ali said...

Just remember, after the pregnancy you can ground that kid whenever you want for no reason. I recommend waiting until you can take away car privileges.

vanessa said...

I have almost forgot this feeling already. Although I have not forgot the day, two days before giving birth, when I told a woman to Shut Ut after she said I looked horrible.

Geo said...

You have never NOT looked fantastic. So there's that. xo