jetsetgreen

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Sore Throats


Yesterday I swallowed a swig of orange juice, and for the first time in a week, I wasn't in excruciating pain.

This all started when I went to Seattle. The day before I left Proximo woke up saying that his throat hurt and crying. That night he was running a 102 fever and emptied the contents of his stomach every two hours for the next 12 hours. I can’t name a single thing more fun than a child up vomiting and a new baby awake, crying and demanding to be fed in between. It was quite the magical evening.

In the morning, Proximo was still running a fever and I was running around packing, He followed me around the house as I grabbed a scarf from here and a pair of someone's socks from there, no time to thoughtfully pack. I threw in a pair of jeans, a maternity shirt, rain boots, and maybe a kitchen sink? It was kind of a mess. He looked at the suitcase and said forlornly, “So where are you going to live now, Mama?”

Jeffiner texted me, after I left him in her car, to say that he’d curled up on her couch and said, “I feel like I become an old man.” Still fevered. The next day, as I marched Lisha around Pike’s Market hoping to kick her into labor, I booked him a Dr’s appointment. Turns out it was scarlet fever.

Scarlet fever?

Yes. I felt terrible for being so far away. Then I giggled making old timey jokes to myself. Scarlet Fevah!

Scarlet Fevah is strep throat gone bad. And apparently, a good sign your kid has strep, besides a sore throat, is vomiting and a fever. If things get worse, like a strawberry tongue and a sandpapery red rash, your baby’s developed The Scarlet Fevahs and will have to be put down. Or go to the Doctor and given antibiotics (it’s your call, really, but check with your insurance company.)

A few days after I returned, J got home from work and told me he’d been having hot flashes and chills all afternoon. I sent him to bed. No one needs that nonsense ambling through anywhere. Two days later, on the start of Fall Break, it was my turn for fever, chills, the sore throat of horrors and the shuffling gait of doom.

I pose this question: Is there anything worse than a sore throat? Is there? And you know the kind of sore throat I mean, when you stop eating and drinking, when you hold saliva in your mouth instead of swallowing it and have to summon all your courage to gulp and then tears come to your eyes? I just had a BABY from my UNDERCARRIAGES without drugs of ANY KIND and I’m telling you, I’d rather have a natural child birth once a month than a sore throat ever again. Someone make that happen. And then keep the resulting child because we’re all full up here.

Yesterday, on the day after our 14th anniversary (which we spent wrapped in our individual blankets on opposite ends of the couch, coughing and moaning from the pain,) we got a shared (awww) Dr’s appointment where we were cordially given a strep diagnosis. I got the penicillin shot. J, thinking he had some sort of wimpy, normal pain-feeling person on his hands, started counting down the thick shot, “You’re almost there! Half way done!” I laughed in his face.
“I don’t need that kind of encouragement.”
“Well, I do, I like knowing I only have to endure a little more.”
“It’s a shot. Who can’t take a shot?  Who even cares?”
And then I grabbed all the rest of the shots the nurse had and stabbed them into my eyeball to prove my sharp point. I followed up with a question for a friend: if the shot would cover syphilis and maybe clear up some burning?

(I guess I can’t go back to that office anymore?)

A short five hours later, I drank that orange juice and nearly cried from the lack of swollen misery. Penicillin! Some day I should try making my own from organic oranges and homemade bread for which I ground the wheat myself. I mean, that’s where we’re going with all this craft blogging: pharmaceuticals, right?

It'll be a huge hit on Pinterest.

19 comments:

TheOneTrueSue said...

Well, you know that we just got over The Scarlet Fever over here ourselves. You are right that it feels quite Old Timey. I was quite relieved that nobody went blind and had a stagecoach accident afterward.

Needles in eyeballs. THANK YOU FOR THAT VISUAL at 6 in the morning. Heebie-jeebie. HEEBIE-JEEBIE.

(Loved this, btw.)

Jen said...

it must be going around because my 13 yr old had scarlet fever 2 weeks ago...

La Carter said...

Are you kidding? It will be EPIC on Pintrist. And two days ago, I would have totally repinned it.

Diana said...

Sorry about the sickness. And very cool they gave you a shot. It seems the doctors around here rarely give penicillin shots here and always prescribe it instead. The shot would, I think, be so much easier and probably more effective.

PS My word verification is likes

thatreallytallgirl said...

I totally agree. There is NOTHING worse than a sore throat. (And I've had 5 babies with no drugs....)

Sharon said...

You caught me off guard with that last funny. Thanks.

Mrs. Organic said...

Pharmaceutical Crafting (RXHer) now there's a conference I want to go to.

Nookleerman said...

How could you say this was a boring post? It had it all! Laughter and tears, travel, romance, harrowing escapes from the clutches of death, overcoming adversity, hints of armageddon preparation. What more could you ask for?

Erin O. said...

Nothing I hate more than the shuffling gait of doom. NOTHING.

The redhead said...

I have always had a firm belief that sore throats are the worse ailment possible. Yes, worse than labor. I base this off the fact that I am always quick to eventually forget how really painful child birth is, but I have never been able to forget the torture of a sore throat.

Too bad I get a bad sore throat like every two months.

Miggy said...

Oh Azzy! I get a kick out of you everytime. I know you said otherwise, but you make being deathly ill sound like a hoot. Smooches.

Amy said...

Homemade penicillin. Stroke of genius.

Heather@Women in the Scriptures said...

Oh, I hope everyone heals fast! That stinks. It was nice to meet you yesterday at the blog luncheon!

Suzie Petunia said...

I'd pin your post, but there are no pictures. ;)

Whitney said...

submit this to salon.com immediately- it's a pretty damn perfect bit of writing...

Rynell said...

I'd pin this on my Things to DIY board if you had a homemade penicillin tutorial and some gussied up (via Photoshop) photos.

Kacy said...

My pet peeve is people Tweeting and Facebooking about their illnesses and, specifically, their sore throats: "Feeling a tickle in my throat. Oh no!" Like, stop the presses or what?

But I could and would read about your illness and accompanying symptoms every day. It is NaBloPoMaMo after all.

I guess good writers can talk about being sick in an interesting way. What do you know!

Melody said...

What Whitney said.

Melissa said...

I found your blog through CJane. You are a riot!!! This post...it's just hilarious!