Thursday, February 09, 2012

Are Your Toilets Really That Clean?

Anytime I see something that seems to be absolutely ridiculous, only one thing comes to mind, "Are their toilets really that clean?"

Let me explain.

Take the entirety of newspaper online comments. Yes, all of them. The mean, stupid, cruel comments that trolls leave on news outlet stories are mind-boggling. Are their toilets so clean that they have nothing better to do than leave nasty comments? Are those bathrooms just sparkling, filled with fluffy towels, and lightly scented of the freshest rain?

There's the world of crafting: where people make painfully tiny things out of the plastic tags they've collected from bread bags. Where every last cereal box is transformed into either a layered diorama of pioneer history or a darling hair bow. Does she really have that kind of time to devote to a craft that most of us find inexplicable? Are her toilets truly that clean?

What about writing out a scathing comment to leave on someone's blog? Are your toilets so clean that you have the energy to pick out a bunch of words, arrange them in a text box, fill out the captcha, and "submit"?

How about deciding that a woman's jeans are too skinny and denying her the right to take a test? Is your house so tidy, your bathroom unfettered from any hint of yellow and freshly stocked with new soap?

If your books are arranged by color, just know that I would like to powder my nose at your house.

Your spatulas are alphabetized. Your pastas are in jars sorted according to size. You have time to watch Two and Half Men. Because if your baseboards are clean, we don't even need to ask the question, the answer is, "Of course."

How about sending the author of a post a really long email detailing their many failings, their lack of parenting (or excessive parenting,) their moral bankruptcy, calling them to repentance, explaining how your ecclesiastical leader told them that a certain behavior was wrong and now you're passing it along in the hope that you can save their eternal soul? Are your toilets really that clean?


(Disclosure: Are my toilets so clean that I had time to write this post? No.)


Kalli said...



Delirious said...

Writing critical comments on other people's blog is the EXCUSE for not cleaning the toilets. Perhaps it makes people feel that they are doing something more important.

Actually, I believe that we criticize others so that we don't have to pay attention to our own faults...

Krista said...

LOVE THIS! And on that note, I'm off to clean my toilets.

James Yvonne and Elise said...

I have been a lurker for some time. I can't keep quiet any blog post ever! You make me laugh.
Thanks for keeping it real!

Cardine said...

What I really want to see is the letter that prompted this post.

And I have one toilet that never gets used, so the question for me is: have you recently flushed your toilet? (No.)

Bethany said...

Oh, sister... For what it's worth, if someone did that to you, they're wrong. There's no evidence anywhere on this blog that you're anything but a normal, good mom. Tell Ms. Meany Critiquey-pants to go stuff it.

But it's so frustrating, isn't it? When someone says something so jaw-droppingly inappropriate and insensitive. Usually I'm just like, "Wha??" And you can't just explain the situation so they understand and then everything is hunky dory. No matter what, they think they're right and won't hear a lick otherwise.

On a note only related by the fact that it's a Horrifying Thing People Say, I heard yesterday that a woman said to my (lactating) friend, "breastfeeding is so gross and inappropriate. Nipples don't belong anywhere near my boy's mouth." This woman also calls her daughter's nether regions her "no-no". Shudder.

You just have to feel sorry for their kids.

Miggy said...

Today my toilet happens to be especially clean.

We have a "vintage" toilet that flushes at least 10 gallons of water per flush. Maybe 15. Therefore sometimes when going #1 we wait and wait and wait to flush so as to conserve water. Anyway, I decided it was time to flush the toilet. Although the problem with waiting and waiting is you get quite the TP build up. I made a quick mental note that the plunger was in the other bathroom, but it would probably be fine. So I flushed. And in about 2 seconds I knew it was NOT fine. So I threw the newly washed bath mat in the tub (for protection), booked it to vintage toilet #2 and grabbed the plunger. I ran back to the first bathroom just in time to see the water spilling over as I jammed that plunger down the bowl. Luckily I was able to save the entire floor from a pee-water bath. And luckily I didn't have any where to go this morning. So I commenced cleaning that toilet and the surrounding area. Which is why, I have the time to leave this wonderful comment on your blog today. You're welcome.

Wink and smile!

Grace Alexander said...

All I can say is, no my toilets are not perfectly clean right this very minute, but you crack me up and I LOVE your blog.

Emily said...

Don't look at my baseboards or my toilets. I am too busy reading awesome posts like this (and leaving positive comments) to clean them.

P.S. Can I find bread tag art on Etsy? I've decided it's this year's neighbor gift.

Kym said...

My toilets are clean but only because I make everyone take it outside.

whitneyingram said...

Oh how I wish you would post that thoughtful note from your concerned reader. Damn it, I hate people. So much.

La Yen said...

My book case is arranged by color, but only because I am paranoid that that one customer from Borders will come over looking for that one book--she can't remember the title or author, but she KNOWS it is red.

Tzipporah said...

I keep waiting for my husband to clean the toilets. 10 years in, and he's still not getting the hint. Lord, how much more blogging do I have to do before he'll pick up the toilet brush?!?


Several Simmering Pots said...

I am also curious why someone would take the time to write you a mean letter (with the best intentions I'm sure - sarcasm there). I love your blog & your outlook on life although now I am feeling a bit self-conscious of the state of my bathroom so thanks a lot for that. Haha jk, etc. Keep up the good work Carina!

TheFeministBreeder said...

I have a confession. My Mother-in-Law cleans my toilets. I've begged her to stop, but it's pointless. She just likes to clean my house when she's here watching the kids.

But it's not so I can be a troll or make stupid crafts. It's so I can type stuff on facebook and pretend that it's helping women somehow. Oh, and so I can get my stupid degree. And attend births (not stupid.)

But if my MIL stops coming over? My toilets may never be clean again. Wait.... how old do kids have to be before I can train them to wield a toilet brush?

Angie said...

I'm reading blogs (yours specifically) in the hopes that my toilets will magically clean themselves. It doesn't seem to be working. Sigh.

Rynell said...

If your toilets aren't clean, don't say anything at all. Isn't that what all moms teach their kids?

Amy said...

My toilets are never clean because I had a boy. They are more like a New York subway station urinal without the graffiti. Although give him a another few weeks and I'm sure that will change.

Also, I had no idea that that thingy was called a captcha. So thanks for that, now I can drop it into sentences and pretend that I am smarter than other people.

Jenny said...

I just want you to know that after reading this post I pumiced my toilet rings.

Delightful Domestic Science said...

My toilets are clean today so I wanted to tell you that I love your guts.
This post really spoke to me. I think Pres Uchtdorf read this then composed his conference talk.