jetsetgreen

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

How Much Should You Love a Coffee Table?

Here's the thing: I love my coffee table.

It's beautiful.



Yeah, that's the one. Look how the chrome shines, look how the marble glitters! Look how un-child friendly it is! Joe tried to warn me that someone was going to get hurt by that table, and it would probably be our children. "BUT LOOK HOW PRETTY IT IS," I totally logically countered.

A few months after Lulu was born I made a cover for the table out of some leftover batting and cream vinyl. It hid the beautiful marble surface and the shiny chrome, because even I was coming to understand that it wouldn't be the best furniture for a baby who would soon be pulling herself up and trying to walk. Covered it has remained, and any bonk or head-long tumble resulted in nothing worse than any other encounter with furniture, so I breathed a sigh of relief.

Until Monday night while I was making dinner.

Proximo and the kids were bouncing around, as all children do right before dinner everywhere on this planet and any other. The pot was on the stove, nearing a boil. I was prying open the box of Barilla Thin Spaghetti and reaching for the salt. Proximo, jumped laterally, head first (as usual) from the couch and into the table, slicing his head open despite the vinyl-cover (the batting having slipped from that edge.) He started screaming, but since he's almost always screaming over some injustice or another, it took us a second to respond. Joe turned to see the blood start streaming down my baby's face. I ran upstairs to grab a clean towel to press to the wound, reminding myself that head wounds always look more terrible than they are on account of 17,000 cubic fathom pounds sterling of blood in them, or something like that.

(Don't worry, all pictures of blood and gore are at the end of this point out of respect for your delicate constitutions.)

Within 3 minutes of the injury I was in the car with Proximo in his seat crossing my fingers for green lights and no radars. We were at the ER in less than 10 minutes after the slice, and that includes the time that it took for me to walk from the other side of the road with my 40 pound child since all the ER parking spots were taken by people who were obviously not suffering a real emergency. I resented every person in that ER, because if the blood isn't flowing, or your bone perpendicular from its previous location, why are you in the ER? Look sicker, dammit, or thanks for playing.

This was, officially, Proximo's 5th visit to the ER: thumb slice, near eye-miss, impaction, suspected impaction, and head wound. I asked about a frequent customer card but it turns out they don't do that.


And the sad thing? I still love that coffee table and I don't want to give it up. Joe says that he'll move it to the living room, but what should I put in its place? A pile of air where the perfect coffee table used to be, damp carpet with my tears, and droplets of my baby's blood? Should I sew a new cover with actual batting that could resist boy? Because I don't know if there is any coffee table on earth, other than a giant marshmallow, that could be truly injury-free (and even then, someone would get hurt, I swear.)

Tell me, Internets!







Here is the blood and gore portion of this post, in case you've the stomach for such things:




19 comments:

Jaymerz said...

Bubba was 3 when he jumped head first off of my bed, missed the pile of pillows he had put on the floor to soften his landing, and smacked his head on the window seat resulting in 5 stitches. They are boys, it happens, and short of putting them in a padded room we can only do so much. I would leave the coffee table where it is,(it is pretty by the way), but you could always give it some thicker padding and some kind of gripper on the cloth to keep it in place.

Bethany said...

My, how stunningly adorable your boy is, even with his head bashed in! My boy is only 9 months, but I have a brother who got many more stitches than I as a child.

FoxyJ said...

I didn't own a coffee table for years, partly for fear of this very thing happening. And because I lived in tiny apartments and because I have no taste in decorating. Despite the fact that we had no coffee table, my 3-year-old once slipped and hit the corner of the wall just right in a way that sliced his forehead open requiring six stitches. You just can't win.

Kalli said...

Santi's face will never stop making me love him, even if he does try to ruin it on coffee tables.

Fig said...

That little tear on his cheek. Can't handle.

craftyashley said...

You should send that coffee table to me. Cause, hi! Gorgeous! Maybe get one of those upholstered gigantic footstool things? Or I've seen lovely woven/straw/grass things that are round- probably from Pottery Barn or West Elm. Those might be less ER-y.

La Yen said...

1. I think I can see his brain.

2. The coffee table was getting payback for the sharpie.

Miggy said...

If my guilt-o-meter is working correctly, I'm sensing a little too high a reading in this post.

You should not feel bad about this. Now, if your perfect coffee table included metal spikes and razor blades I would say, "I think you've put the interest of your children second here..." But this is a pretty standard coffee table. Yes it's marble and that's a hard substance, but I'm pretty sure even a wooden coffee table would have netted the same results.

Let's be honest, the boy will heal...he'll have a cool scar to brag about for the rest of his life. The real question is ...did he damage the table? Those things don't heal on their own...

(Just to be clear that last part was in jest. All of our mama hearts stop when we see our children's blood--even if he was being a just a boy. Hugs to him and you. I would have passed out.)

Tiffany UnTwisted said...

Keep it. In its place. In the family room.

I'm that kind of mom. Of course I also own the mirrored round coffee table. :)

Kim said...

Poor boy!!! Mean coffee table jumping out of nowhere and attacking him!

I say fill the space with blood and tears. Seems the most logical choice.

A Few Tacos Shy... said...

I agree with leaving the table in it's place.

My coffee table + boy incident involves my youngest trying to climb the TV (remember TV's with a big tube that had to sit on a real piece of furniture?). Turns out the coffee table saved his life since it broke the fall of the TV on my kids head. Broke a chunk off my coffee table though dammit!!!

Tonia Conger said...

Carina, moments before reading this I made the comment that my oh so pretty mirrored lamp tables with razor sharp corners need to be put up in the guest bedroom and replaced with something really soft and equally design-y. So, if you find that perfect solution please tell me. Replacing these needs to be part of my "baby proofing" in the next few weeks.
It will be a rad scar. I would have vomited seeing blood gush from Clem's skull. It's bound to happen. Maybe make it a more cushioned cozy until the littles are bigger causeit is really pretty.

Mrs. Organic said...

Grey pipe insulation-it's self-adhesive and strong enough to withstand anyone's head abuse. Not exactly designer, but everything gets protected.

marshall p said...

yeish! my stepdaughter has a scar like that from jumping off the top of her bunk bed and hitting her head on the ceiling fan. kids!

what about a couple of those big futon things? probably with chevrons or zigzags or whatever is cool right now.

Sharon said...

Giant ottoman (footless) ... and I'm thinking you could use some makeup for the scar. You know, make it a lightning bolt.

Jenny said...

I read this post in the bathroom at Nordstrom in Salt Lake and I'm pretty sure that exact table was what I was sitting my purse on. So it sounds like you already fixed your problem!

Also, that is one bit forehead split! Yuck.

Kris said...

I work in an ER, and let me just tell you that your instinct was right. Those people who parked closer were almost certainly not there for real emergencies. You'd be shocked to see the weird stuff people think necessitates a trip to the ER, as if the 'E' in ER doesn't very clearly stand for EMERGENCY. (And as if your ER copay isn't a pretty pricey bill for a bee sting or equally silly complaint.)

amy said...

1. I agree with you about the ER. I went once or twice, for broken bones/sprained ankle. I always tried to look really injured while I was there, but I was amazed at the other people there that had no discernable malady.

2. Per your last post about blogs, I agree with you about that, too. You don't have to be funny or witty or poetic or political, even though I think you still will be even without the pressure. I started my very boring blog in 2005, and it has about 5 people who read it, but I must say I really appreciate being able to go back and read my thoughts and friends' comments over the years. I decided to whittle my purpose in keeping that blog down to that reason only. Takes the pressure off. Probably also the reason I post about once every 4 months. pfft.

3. I have an equally dangerous/good looking coffee table, but it's a big square. Lots of chrome and glass, sharp corners. I think it's a hazard, and too big for the space it's in (mostly a children's play area), but in the mean time, i haphazardly covered it up with one of those Ikea rugs that has buildings and roads on it. Now it's the perfect playing surface. It was kind of an accidental solution, but it turns out to work well because the rug has grip on one side, and carpet on the other, so it's relatively thick and stays in place (KNOCK ON WOOD, i hesitate even writing that because I'm sure someone will get stitches on its corners someday). But, maybe you could find a cool looking, roundish carpet to put on your table. We could start a trend.

Bryn said...

My boys have split their heads open on the corner of a dresser and the corner of a piano bench. We got the stitches removed from the dresser incident a little too early and a couple of days later his brother smacked him on the head with a lint brush and the wound reopened! Better get rid of your lint brushes as well!