The government shut down today for the first time in almost 20 years. I can't help but think, "WWLBJ do?" Lyndon Baines Johnson, our 36th president, spent years in the U.S. House and then the Senate, which he controlled with an unprecedented iron hand. By all accounts, he gathered so much intelligence that he was able to control the Senate by charming, wheedling, and smashing heads. Things Got Done. We hadn't seen his like since (especially because we can't count Kevin Spacey's character on House of Cards.)
Which is why I'm proposing we reanimate Lyndon B. Johnson's corpse and set him on Washington.
It's clear that Speaker of the House Boehner is hardly better than a weeping corpse, so why not get an actual corpse in the position, but one who could get things done?
I'm pretty sure that zombie LBJ is ready to grab some balls and eat some brains. Our long national nightmare would actually become a national nightmare, but one where things got done.
Zombie LBJ would start by turning Boehner into his zombie slave pack mule, Michonne-style.
He'd make funny jokes like, "Don't make me @#$% you over with my actual bite, you @$#%!" (He might be undead, but doesn't mean that LBJ's legendary potty mouth isn't also ready to deliver the pain!)
Zombie LBJ invites representatives to a tee time they won't ever forget, until they do because now they're dead.
Zombie LBJ twists your arm off and eats it on C-Span.
Zombie LBJ rips a neck out and serves it up at the congressional cafeteria with a wink and a growl.
Zombie LBJ's folksy wisdom has a rotting fist behind it.
Zombie LBJ doesn't like pork, he likes brains.
Zombie LBJ is really, really bad at horse trading.
I think we're onto something.
I mean, it couldn't get much worse, right? I'm ready to risk it, aren't you?