jetsetgreen

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I Try to Make a Soufflé

Warning: This post may offend your delicate sensibilities and cause your stomach to convulse. Don't say you weren't warned, because you were, right here. Seriously.



I had cooking club later one night, eggs were the theme. I decided to make a cheese soufflé. I’ve never made a soufflé of any sort, but I was kind of excited to try. After looking at the recipe, I figured I’d probably need to double the recipe to make sure there was enough for everyone. I added up the cheese, almost a pound and a half. Wow, that’s a lot of cheese. I used gruyere and emmenthaler (which is real Swiss cheese) for a nice, strong blend of deliciousness.

I’d skipped dinner with my family, relying on the Five Guys at lunch to get me to cooking club. After assembling the soufflé and putting it in the oven I helped myself to a tiny slice of quiche, a little spinach, bacon and hard-boiled egg salad, a small egg benedict, and a shot of eggnog. It wasn’t a lot of food, but I felt really full, weird since I hadn’t eaten for nine hours. In fact, I felt like I was getting even more full after I’d eaten.

The soufflé was taking a long time to cook, double the time the recipe indicated. The smell was intoxicating, but heavy. Finally, I pulled the soufflé out of the oven. I started serving and immediately realized that I’d made way, way too much. I shouldn’t have doubled the recipe. Everyone was having a very small scoop and it barely made a dent in the dish. I had two tiny teaspoons of soufflé and I couldn’t eat another bite. My stomach felt like it would explode. The room was really hot, and the soufflé really smelly, so I moved to the side of the room and cracked the glass door open. I started fanning myself. Phew. And then I realized…
Bathroom.

Now.

FASTER.

I ran into the hall bath and emptied the contents of my stomach over and over. I sat on the floor and decided I couldn't say a word to anyone.

I didn’t DARE face everyone to tell them I’d refunded their delicious dishes because I’d already had a cooking club scandale: A couple months ago I’d taken a bite of salad (yes) and it stuck in my throat. Several cashews lodged themselves and I couldn’t get them to go down. No matter what I ate, those infernal seeds prevented passage. I was in and out of the bathroom all night, much to the exclaim of my fellow clubbers. It was 3am the next morning before I was able to eat dinner.

In light of those events, I couldn’t exactly go back out and tell my friends that all their yummy egg dishes were introduced to the porcelain god. I also didn't need to watch any afterschool specials on the perils of bulemia--that's what Princess Di's biography is for. So I played it cool, packed the rest of the soufflé to go, and took my leave.

On the drive home the smell of the soufflé started to really get to me; it was overwhelming. I couldn’t bear the thought of driving down the freeway with that SMELL. My stomach was turning somersaults. I had to get rid of the soufflé, but where? I briefly considered a random field, but couldn’t face the guilt of some random farmer coming across a strange, slightly gelatinous yellow mass.

I rolled down all the windows to divert the smell. Meanwhile, I drove straight past a car accident in progress, and didn't even stop to see if I could help. I turned, shivering, into a shopping complex hoping to find some random place to leave the soufflé. My stomach was threatening me with more mandatory expulsion. Oh please! Let there be some trash bin or out of the way corner! I spied an open gate to a dumpster behind Panda Express. I dumped the soufflé with the very expensive cheeses into a plastic bag, tied a knot, and tossed it in the dumpster.

I sealed the still offensive soufflé dish with its lid, crossed my fingers, and called Tiffany to distract me from the smell during the 20 minute drive home. Call me nuts, but I really don’t want to have to pull over on the side of the freeway in the dark to empty my stomach—too much like my early college days as the permanent designated driver while my friends emptied their post-bender stomachs out onto the desert floor outside of Las Vegas. No, thank you. I made it home without incident,well, home to my very own embraceable commode.

And that's the story of how if you acquire an undiagnosed case of food poisoning at lunch, and yet you make way too much soufflé, you can cover up the unfortunate series of events with a drive behind Panda Express, and finish it off with a white-knuckle drive home.

24 comments:

amelia said...

Oh ugh - I could actually smell cheese reading this.

La Yen said...

I love souffle. Nothing you can yack up will dissuade me from eating it.

Cicada said...

Horrible! Horrible!

I ate everything there and never threw up or even felt slightly queasy. And you can't blame my egg nog that was sitting on the counter all night either because Murray and I helped ourselves to more when I got home with no problems.

Of course, I have also recently learned that I am able to eat more than one (read: five) Fiber One bars in one day with no ill effects while others eat two and their insides are in agony.

I'm very sorry about that incident. And for what it's worth, I loved your souffle and even had seconds.

Rynell said...

Food poisoning is horrific. I can empathize. I wish I couldn't, but I can.

Azúcar said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Azúcar said...

It couldn't possibly have been anything at cooking club, food poisoning takes longer than 30 minutes to go into effect.

I blame Five Guys.

And then I ate there the next week.

Cafe Johnsonia said...

Oh...again I miss all the excitement at cooking club.

hannah said...

Darn! I missed it too.

Sarah said...

Oh man! I am so sad that you weren't able to truly enjoy that souffle like we were. It was delicious. Worth the wait.

This is me said...

Did you see the headline today on msn.com with the title "Why does my sweat smell like cheese?" I didn't read the article but I thought of that headline the whole time I was reading this post.

Barfing in the car is the worst. I'm glad you made it home okay.

Azúcar said...

So I get a phone call from Jenny a little later asking me if I saw the accident. I don't even remember what I said to her.

I do know that I was way too scared of telling her that I had been throwing up and was scared of throwing up even more if I stopped to help her at the accident scene instead of ditching the souffle.

So, score one for pride.

kiki said...

Egg pukes are disgusting, and they are the reasons why I won't eat eggdrop soup or drink eggnog.

I laughed at your misery.

kiki said...

This is the second time today someone has brought up the "Why does my sweat smell like cheese" headline on msn.com. That's disgusting.

In ~1995, my roommate wanted to make quiche. She made so much, I would say she made a f***ton of quiche. I haven't been able to eat quiche since ~1995.

Food can't mess with me. If it offends me, I will have nothing to do with it ever again. The only successful reunion I've had with an ingestible is with Dr. Pepper. One time, I had the flu, drank flat Dr. Pepper, was so grossed out that I threw up, and didn't drink it again for about 10 years.

Shawn said...

oooohhhh, Yucky.

Bek said...

I still love souffle..but I thought you were going to end the story by saying "and that is how I found out I was pregnant".. ;-)

Food Poisoning is the worst. Ack.

For the record, I think that NOT stopping was the right move. Frankly, if I was in a car accident the one thing that I wouldn't want to have happen is someone to stop and puke all over. Good call.

Clyde said...

I was expecting the pregnancy announcement too. Oh well!

Even with all your post's yucky remarks I may confess that I still love souffle - I bet your recipe was wonderful... Too bad that I live in TX. :(

Sue said...

I haven't eaten anything caramel since the early nineties, because of that one time I tried ipecac syrup (tastes like caramel, sort of, not quite) on a dare and ended up throwing in the Taco Bell parking lot. Bleck.

Sue said...

Throwing UP. Not just throwing. That's different.

Marianne & Clayton said...

So is a present of a cheese basket out for your birthday? My heart is sad for the lost gruyere and emmenthaler. So expensive yet sooo worth it. Best wishes to your tummy.

Azúcar said...

I will always take a cheese gift--especially if it's imported.

And I am ABSOLUTELY NOT PREGNANT.

Can't make that any more clear.

Carrot Jello said...

"It was 3am the next morning before I was able to eat dinner."

I love that line.

Vanessa said...

Oh this reminds me the last time I made an egg pie it had smoked ham and brie in it but.........it got the whole family terribly sick. And my husband begged me to never made it again.

kiki said...

"Egg pie" is just a disgusting name for "quiche", right?

wendysue said...

I think if I were a farmer discovering a strange, slightly gelatinous yellow mass, I'd have to call the CDC or the FBI. You know they'd find a way to link it back to you. . .