Wednesday, March 17, 2010

It was in the middle of the fairway on hole 7 at Las Vegas National that Tiffany and I put our fancy sneakers up on the dash of the golf cart. An overcast day, breeze blowing, and slightly tired from the party the day before, I was admiring the 60s aqua and pink houses surrounding the course. Tiffany squinted at a low plane flying into McCarran and took a drink of water. We heckled the group of guys in front of us, taking their sweet time on the green.

"I think," said Tiffany, "That I'm a man sometimes."
"Why?" I responded, "Because we're golfing faster than these guys? And now we're totally impatient that we have to slow our game because of them? I mean, come on, FORE."
"Totally!" she said, and we laughed.

The universal conclusion between the two of us pony-tailed girls in cardigans was that we are too much like men. Exhibit 1: We are the golfers. We own clubs, not rent, and the idea of a Saturday morning smacking a Titleist a few hundred yards is an absolute delight. Maybe "delight" is too frilly. Is "totally boss"?
Exhibit 2: I golf and I have a husband who doesn't want to go golfing, not ever. I ask, sometimes pleadingly and using my nicest girl-ish wiles, for him to set a tee time, and he refuses. What kind of lucky man is my other half that he has a wife that would love nothing better than to golf? Not so lucky that he will join, is the answer.

The girls in the cardigans swear. We probably swear too much. Tiffany likes to swear while flashing an innocent girl smile. I've made men stammer and sweat with some of the words that have fallen out of my mouth, resulting in minutes of silence and throat-clearing anxiety (for them. I'm just raising one eyebrow.)  I don't swear like that anymore, but don't think I can't. It's in my back pocket; a slim and wicked weapon of choice.

It's Tiffany and I watching the World Series together, and again, not one man watching it with us. Who can resist the boys of summer in their final autumn innings? Not us. Take us out to the ballgame anytime.

She and I go to football games together, no football-attending men around these parts. We cheer until our throats give out, or until Tiffany starts swearing because that two-point conversion attempt was a bad, bad idea and I have to elbow her to remind her that we're at a BYU game and the other fans are fast becoming goggle-eyed at the two mouthy brunettes.

We've played a half dozen sports together. When it comes to softball, I can throw and she can run. We're evenly split on the bowling.

Exhibit 8: Relentless pursuits of new and better burger joints. Tiffany takes her steak rare, and I, a medium-rare. I've been known to make fun of the men who order well-done. Cough.

Our careers are technology careers. Boy-heavy in those joints, let me tell you what. We're used to being the only woman in the room. We roll with the barbs and the vaguely sexual references because we know we can give better than we get.

And, really, we're both nerdy boys. We read nerdy boy books. We like nerdy boy TV shows. Tired of me going on and on about Battlestar Galactica? TOO BAD. You should have watched it already, Shirley.

So the next time you see us on the golf course, heckling the frat boys whose short games are approaching triple-par, give us a shout, or the finger, because we'll just slide on our cute driving gloves, flip down our adorable, big-lensed sunglasses, fluff our hair, and flip you a double deuce right back.



rookie cookie said...

It's so great that you golf. Your husband doesn't know what he's got. Mine would love if I golfed. LOVE. But to meet him halfway, I know his handicap, I ride along on occasion and I know every current Los Angeles Dodger and what position they play. It's the little things that matter.

Chief Momma said...

I know this is supposed to be a masculine post, but I have to say Tiff looks so cute in that picture!

I'll give an AMEN to this post. Both of you girls can throw it down with the best of them. No boys club allowed when you two are around.

Britty said... and are my kind of ladies. And I miss working in a boy-heavy place. Couldn't have been more fun. I prefer males to females, typically anyway. Here's where Gary would insert some smirky comment about me.

Emily said...

I think this is quite possibly my favorite post yet. It is going to make me smile all day. Seriously.

TheOneTrueSue said...

You and Tiff look SO MUCH alike.

I want to leave a brilliant comment about how much I liked this post, but the baby just pooped. So. Yeah.

Did love it muchly though.

Maya said...

I LOVE it! I can just imagine the shocked expressions at the BYU game, lol.

Mrs JP Chaos said...

I kinda love this.

Tiffany UnTwisted said...

what's up with my ass shot floating around the Internet?!? oh wait, i just said @$$ ... and I was really going to get on here and post about how much I really don't swear that often so ppl would think I was a better match for their single male [fill in the blank with a person title here] ... geez!

oh, and I thought of two other things:

1. We don't care how much we eat - ever.

2. We take out the trash in our houses every week.

although honey, we are the most girly men that I've ever known -- we even blow our homosexual friends out of the water with our femininity sometimes.

lastly, my validation word really is HERANGL ... so true dat, i'm your angel :)

Marianne & Clayton said...

I love that you are that way, but dress like June Cleaver. Only hotter.

One of my most innate talents is the ability to lower the bar in any conversation. Dirty innuendos? Try me. (So many phrases can follow that. "That's what she said" would be the tamest of the group.) I've worked really hard to curb my natural ability in that arena for my righteous husband's sake. I'm hoping he can drag my less pure self up to heaven.

"Lucky" said...

Your kick ass heels and jealousy-enducing accessories (I still want your red necklace, Azucar) totally give away that y'all are full, fledged ladies... who cuss ;)

AzĂșcar said...

One other one: I drive like a man. Or so I've been told by a man.

noelle said...

Um, let's start a golf group for this spring/summer. My husband also doesn't like to go, mostly because I beat him.

Theresa said...

I love it!!! I love heading out to the golf course and smacking my pink (yes I use pink golf balls) around the greens!!

*MARY* said...

I've never played a round of golf in my life!
But if I did, I bet I'd be amazing!

Geo said...

Nerdy boys. Girlymangirls. Whatever you are, I like you.

Lisha said...

Maybe you should have found manlier men and then you wouldn't have to fill in their gaps.


No seriously, an ex of mine called me a deformed boy because I had no feelings...

AzĂșcar said...

Yeah, Lish....Tiffany gets that all the time.

Anonymous said...

You are a freaking super star. One of these days I may write on my blog about how much I am a man, too!

it would also include how I am often the only one in the room watching baseball

how I swear worse than anyone I know

that despite going to a women's college, I still have an equal (if not heavy) male contingent of friends

I like Guiness. (I don't think you drink but this totally puts me in the boy category.)


Petit Elefant said...

I think this might be one of my favorite posts of all time.

You to a T.

chris said...

I'm with you on the baseball (love it) have never tried golf...

Anonymous said...

that was me, Morgan, not Chris (why does he keep using my laptop??)

Ryan and Susie said...

Freedom is lovely.

I stopped watching American Idol 2 weeks ago. When I compare it to last year I start to mourn the loss of what was the greatest show on modern TV. :(

Nishant said...
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