Friday, May 21, 2010

I Love The Constitution

NORRIS: What do you make of that? How do you respond to someone who feels like you've been there too long?

Sen. BENNETT: There really is no response. Some of my supporters would report conversations they would have. One in particular said to this woman: Who are you voting for? She said: I'm voting for Cherilyn Eager. Why? Well, she loves the Constitution. All right, Senator Bennett loves the Constitution. Yeah, but Cherilyn Eager loves it more. And finally, my supporter said, well, I guess there's nothing I can say to you. And they said no, because I want somebody who really, really loves the Constitution. source

I feel like I've been remiss: I haven't communicated to you how much I love the U.S. Constitution. No, I love the Constitution. I remember the first time I truly learned about the Constitution, it was 1987, the 200th anniversary. Guys, I fell hard and fast. The sheer rush of the articles, the undulating paragraphs, the heavy breathing of the amendments; it was like nothing I'd ever known before, or would ever know again.

When I read the preamble, start perusing the sections, it's like main-lining bliss. By the time I'm knee deep in the 14th amendment, the adoration has taken hold. I'm pretty sure this is what the Rapture would feel like. If anything should hurt a line of its sections, a corner of its parchment, I swear I'd die. Simply drop dead. I don't think "divinely-inspired" covers it. Maybe the Constitution is divine itself?

In fact, why isn't the Constitution scripture? It ought to be! Throw out that King James, my friend, forget your Korans, toss those Torahs! All you need are the dulcet tones of the framers' prose! I take every section, every word as the deepest devotion, even that whole 3/5ths of a person thing--it's all delicious, every bit of it, no matter what!

And if you don't think that the Constitution is like chocolate mousse, holding your first baby, a hug from your mother, Robert Pattinson, and heroin, all wrapped up in an adorable federalist ribbon, you must be some sort of fascist-communist (who is probably trying to collectivize our land and paradoxically personifying the state in that friend of yours who still wears a trucker hat and is prone to violent fits.)

Some people have accused me of not loving the Constitution, some have even said that measuring love is an completely subjective process and that applying it to something like a governing document is nonsensical. How dare they? The unmitigated gall! Here is your measurement: take my heart, take my soul, take my children, just give me my Constitution.

Seriously, the Constitution is so awesome that I think I'm going to get it tattooed on me; it's already on my heart--metaphorically, of course (for now.) What I'd really like to do, if I have a little time, is to take our U.S. Constitution and carve it into gold. I already have a vaguely cow-shaped gold lump made from my melted earrings, I think an engraved Constitution would fit right nicely into that spot.

Now, can I have a Senate seat, please?



Emily said...

You've inspired me to read the Constitution again. I definitely didn't take it seriously enough in school. I do believe it inspired and I do believe you need a Senate seat.

Camels East said...


Beautifully put.

I've always known that we must uphold and support the constitution as it protects us from a myriad of political ills.

The way you wrote your love of the Constitution makes it, well... alive! A living, breathing protector that we should do everything to keep healthy and well.

You are a smarty pants.

Thanks for the good morning read.

Tiffany said...

All of the Mormon founding fathers would be so proud of this blog post. Bennett is going to have a lot of answering to do to them someday when they ask him how much he loved the Constitution and he can only answer, "A lot." instead of, "Really, really, like, WAY a lot."

Bravo, girl.

L. said...

Weeeeeeeeee the peeeeeeeople.

I like the First Ammendment best -- which gets me in a lot of trouble sometimes.

Anyone else remember this?

~j. said...

You love the constitution so much you're going to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

The All-American Mom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The All-American Mom said...

In all the political meetings I have been to, I have never heard anyone describe their love for the Constitution like this. Love it! Check out this video about Cherilyn Eager's love for the Constitution. Not as graphic as yours, but definitely entertaining. :)

Emmie {orange + barrel} said...

Hahaha...I thought this was satirical but after reading the comments I am not sure!!

Morgan Lee said...

Are the first two commenters immune to irony? Or am I such a smartass, I see irony where none exists?

i i eee said...

Somewhere in a dark corner, Glenn Beck craps his pants.

sarah k. said...

Madame, like a laser, has cut through to the truth of the matter.

Emmie {orange + barrel} said...

Hahah I thought so because I was laughing out loud when I read it.

Lindsey Johnson said...

Hey, I'd vote for you.

La Yen said...

If the constitution and Chuck Norris got in a fight, who would win?

The Eagle Forum lady. Because she is an undead, crazed nutball. And she loves the constitution even more than you. ESPECIALLY the 3/5ths part.

And you will never get a seat in the senate, because the Lord will not bless you for neglecting your motherly duties such as "Not Being Uppity."

Queen Scarlett said...


Also... you would love THE JEFFERSON PROJECT. It's all about fixing stuff. ;-)

Camels East said...

No, I HEARD/read/understood the satire, but I do love the Constitution as well. Not like, really really reallly lurve it, but I like it a lot. I'd go out to dinner with it, but I wouldn't put out.

Sometimes I don't feel like being a sass in my comments. Now I do.

That tattoo is gonna hurt.

b. said...

Holy Shizz! Did you mention chocolate mousse?

I'd totally wear a trucker hat with your campaign slogan on it.

Mary said...

You hate the Constitution compared to how much I love it.

TheOneTrueSue said...

Have I mentioned lately that I totally love you? Because I DO.


Michelle said...

Hands down you would win any seat for anything in Utah- the most reddest state in the union, so red I call it crazy red.

Jen said...

You have my vote, future Senator.