A Few Suggestions For The Easily Scared

Yesterday I terrified my baby.

No, I didn’t dress up as an aggressive Tooth Fairy, or turn on the blender, I did yoga. You should have seen the display that ensued. He sobbed with terror when I down-dogged. He hit me and tried to pull my hair when I up-dogged. He sat himself on the mat, reclined and refused to move. I’ve honestly never see anything like it..

I’m thinking I should show Proximo what it means to be really scared.

For example, we could watch the 28 Days Later running zombie movie in Park City at a midnight show, have to drive down the deserted canyon at 2am, and then have to sprint across the parking lot to get into the house while you can hear the zombies barreling to get you.

Instead of reading about fuzzy barnyard animals for a bedtime story we could read Treasure Box and become too terrified to sleep in case there was a succubus about the house.

We could go see the original The Eye in Cantonese and then every time we got up in the middle of the night we could see an ancient Chinese man hanging from the ceiling in the bathroom with the side of his head bashed in.


I could make him watch Rock of Love 3.

I mean come on, get a little perspective!

Headlines

Marc Anthony Leaves Kids With Lopez For the First Time
" New dad Marc Anthony has left his newborn twins at home with their mother Jennifer Lopez for the first time, to attend a police foundation gala in New York...So when [Ray Kelly] called last week and invited me - even though I'm a little busy with our babies - I came. This is my first time out of the house since the babies came." Lopez gave birth to babies Max and Emme on February 22." (source.)

That Marc Anthony really has it together, doesn't he? He left the twins alone with Jennifer after only two weeks. I can barely find matching socks for my children inside two weeks, so I have to hand it to the Lopez-Anthonys. I guess that's what happens when you're from the block, you just cope better than other people.

I don't think the public understands, the man left the house--I'm pretty sure you get an honorary Grammy for that. I don't like to brag (well, other than five years of blog posts) but I think that we've been pretty headline worthy in our neck of the woods too--no offense Lopez-Anthonys, there's room on this planet for all of us!

Mountain West (AP)-----


Azúcar Out of Bed This Morning to Make Son's Cocoa

El Guille's Cocoa is Too Hot, He Must Wait to Drink

Mother and Son Argue Over Whether He Will Eat Fruit

Grapes Are The Compromise Fruit at Jet Set Home

Controversy Surrounds Pools of Water on Area Bathroom Floor

Azúcar Seriously Considers Going to Grocery Store

Mother and Two Kids Stranded at Home When Husband Takes Only Car

Azúcar to Call Mechanics to Find Out 'What the deal is' With Car

Phones Mysteriously Disappear in Suburban Home: Couch Suspected

Family Stunned as Wrong Contestant Goes Home This Week on Idol

Azúcar Announces She is 'Bored' with David Archuleta

El Guille Unable to Locate Additional Blocks to Create Desired Bridge Span

Redesign Imminent in Living Room Bridge Fiasco

Reports of Hair Being Done in Local Family Home Greatly Exaggerated

Overflowing Sink Poses Unforeseen Hazard to Toy Trains and M.A.C. Makeup

Volume Experiments Yield Collateral Damage; Home Out of Nestle Quik

Experts Question How Vacuum Acquired Water Inside Housing

Updated Easter Candy Count an Embarrassment to Parents

Azúcar Leaves House For First Time Since Yesterday

Online war of words erupts between scrapbookers

There is a bitter and hurtful war of words going on over the Internet among a certain group of people. You may be shocked to hear who it is….

For example, the Web site [redacted] has entries questioning the parental skills of a woman named Heidi [edit.] They also call a woman named Jeanette H[edit]the b-word. One of the most bitter chat threads is over a woman named Kristina C[edit], who was stripped of her Hall of Fame honor. She's called things like, well, I'm not comfortable even telling you which letter it starts with.

Rusty Pickle Sales and Marketing Representative Nanette Hanks said, "People in the industry get, I think, to where they want it and they want it now, and they get mean and ugly, and it's kind of a turn-off."

Hanks says these people represent an extremely small portion of scrapbookers. Still, she says there's no reason to call a woman stripped of Hall of Fame honors a name that would make a sailor blush.

"I don't know. Maybe the people complaining about it and calling her bad names should maybe spend some more time making cuter pages. They might be there, too," she said. Source.

It’s true: I don’t scrapbook. And now you know why. Clearly, scrapbooking is a pastime that is dangerous at best and at worst, downright life-threatening. I get called enough names on my blog, or at church, or at my mom’s. I don’t need the added pressure of militant scrapbookers on my shoulders. What if they called me the “B” word? I would roll over and DIE.

Frankly, don’t you think it was only a matter of time before people stopped using their paper cutters to cut paper and instead started cutting Mrs. Rasmussen next door? I know that I carry a bone folder for protection. I’m pretty sure my unorthodox use of vellum is an anathema to the grommet and tie crowd. I’m terrified that if I didn’t make a “cuter page” I’d have to meet outside of Pebbles-in-my-Pockets for the noon rumble. Just the chugging of all the Yukon engines in the parking lot is enough to make me shiver.

Did you KNOW there’s a Hall of Fame for scrapbooking? Can you be denied admittance to the Scrapbook Hall of Fame if you’ve been found to be gambling on the outcome of your friend’s “Lil’ ‘Baller” page she assembled with cut-outs of her child and miniature footballs? What if you’ve been found in possession of a controlled substance, like glitter? What is the stripping of Hall of Fame status like? Is there sobbing? Do you have to give back your glue stick and the tiara?

That’s why in order to avoid the appearance of evil, I’m not going to scrapbook, I’m taking up cooking meth. There’s far less chance that I’ll end up getting admitted to the Scrapbook Hall of Fame, and I’m OK with that, because alternative is just too risky.

When we let him out of the dungeon, we'll let him know

Let's lighten things up a little because I need some levity.

My mother in law is one of those email forwarding people. I'm always getting those "THIS MIGHT SAVE YOUR LIFE" notifications from her. You know the sort of email--keep your old pantyhose (yeah, because I've got them just strewn about the house right now) because some lady in Saskatchewan saved her child's life with an old pair of L'eggs.

Of course, since I'm mean, I look them up on snopes, or other myth buster sites, and point out, replying ALL, how the email is incorrect (this drives my friends crazy, to whom I say "then stop sending me crap.")

I got a text message from her yesterday that said this:

"Just saw a news release about a toy named FLOAM that is dangerously growing mold--KEEP OUR BOY SAFE!!!"

To which I responded:

"It's ok, we don't believe in buying Guille toys. He can play with the chemicals under the sink or he can play with nothing."